Nighttime Hosts Lampoon Trump's Latest 'Gold Card' Residency Plan

TV's top hosts used the broadcast criticizing ex-President Donald Trump's newly unveiled immigration initiative, dubbed the "gold card," describing it as a clear pay-for-access arrangement for the affluent.

Stephen Colbert's Witty Analysis

Kicking off his broadcast, Stephen Colbert offered a mock Christmas song directed at the commander-in-chief. "He is compiling a list, checking it twice, and then giving that list to the people at ICE," he sang. "The President ... destroys each thing he handles."

The focus was the new initiative that enables international nationals to purchase U.S. legal status for the price of $1 million dollars, or "platinum" version for $5 million. An official page guarantees approval "faster than ever."

"One note for you to wealthy immigrants: before you fork over the cash, maybe think about Canada?" Colbert quipped.

He pointed out that the program is also meant to "extract cash" from firms wanting to hire skilled workers, requiring large fees. "That's a lot of fees, however if you sign up, you additionally get a complimentary stay at a property of your choosing – as long as it's the Tampa Marriott Bonvoy," he said.

"The most thorough vetting the government has ever done," remarked Commerce Secretary Howard Lutnick, "a $15,000 vetting to make sure these individuals truly are eligible to be in America."

"That is important, you have to prove you're qualified to be an American," Colbert said dryly. "First question: how many hamburgers would you eat for a free T-shirt?"

Jimmy Kimmel's Humorous Roast

On his late-night show, Jimmy Kimmel dubbed the initiative the "American Dream Express Card."

"Here's a card that will permit wealthy foreigners to live here," he stated. "For a million bucks, you get legal visitor status, you get a road to citizenship, and a president's pardon for one major crime of your selection."

"It might be time to change that poem on the Statue of Liberty – never mind your huddled masses. Pay a million bucks, you're in!" he remarked.

Kimmel teased the brevity of the form, noting it is "harder to start a Wordle account." He lamented that Trump "sees citizenship is something you can sell, like a steak."

"Indeed, the best people are the rich people," Kimmel joked. "It's what Jesus always said! It's in the Bible. He says it's easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle provided that you pay the needle a million dollars."

Seth Meyers covering Affordability Struggles

On another network, Seth Meyers addressed Trump's plunging approval numbers amid economic anxiety. "The public gave Donald Trump a another term because they were mad about the economy," he explained.

Recently, in a attempt to address cost of living, Trump conducted a briefing in front of a array of food items, where he behaved strangely to boxes of cereal.

"What a nice job, I think I'm going to take some of them with me to my cottage and have a lot of fun," Trump said. "Like the Cheerios, I haven't had Cheerios in a while."

"He's so fucking weird," Meyers reacted. "Like, you're going to take them home to your cottage to have a lot of fun with them? What's the plan with those Cheerios?"

Meyers concluded by targeting conservative media defenses of Trump's financial performance. "Perhaps rather than complaining, you should give him a sparkling trophy like what FIFA did," he laughed.