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Being a woman in my fourth decade, I’ve always believed that courtesy is essential, which includes expressing regret when I think I’ve made a mistake. Although I have a fulfilling life, I’ve battled very little self-assurance. This mix of aiming to be considerate and second-guessing my actions has turned me into someone who over-apologizes. Many times, it happens so reflexively that I’m unconscious of it. It stems from anxiety and has affected both my private and professional life. It irritates my loved ones and colleagues, and then I get annoyed when they bring it up—which only heightens my anxiety.

Speaking in Public and Inquiring

This excessive apologizing is especially concerning when it comes to addressing a group or posing queries in front of people. I try to write everything down to stay focused and avoid anxious tangents, but even that isn’t effective most of the time. As an early-career academic in government studies, speaking with confidence is crucial. I’ve attempted to address this through gradual exposure, such as instructing groups and forcing myself to ask questions at open forums, despite experiencing setbacks from experienced male academics. I’ve also tried pausing before speaking to become more aware of when I’m apologizing, but this helps at first before I revert to old habits.

Self-Acceptance

I don’t believe I’ll ever totally accept myself, and I’ve accepted with that. I still value life and find it meaningful. My main goal is to stop the overuse of apologies. I’ve learned that therapy might assist me, but I wonder how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a important skill, but it must be used wisely. Too infrequent or too excessive, and you place a load on others.

Finding the Source

A therapist might explore where this habit comes from. Questions like, “How young were you when this developed?” or “Was it your own idea or adopted from someone nearby to you?” Sometimes, childhood behaviors that once benefited us become harmful in adulthood.

In fact, some of your ongoing habits could be seen as holding yourself back. You are aware it annoys those around you, yet you keep doing it.

The Role of Therapy

When asked what therapy could do, one approach focuses on existing rather than striving. Much of helpful sessions is about self-awareness, not just problem-solving. A qualified professional will gently challenge you, offering a secure environment to consider and acknowledge who you are.

Instead of facing fears head-on, a connection-based method with a person-centered counselor might be more helpful. This can help you come back to yourself and examine how you judge, disregard, and invalidate yourself. It can assist in identifying self-criticism, breaking it, and finding more gentle ways to see things. Your self-assurance can improve from there.

Practical Steps

Changing long-standing behaviors is hard, especially in tense situations when apologizing feels like a knee-jerk reaction. But you can start by considering on how saying sorry serves you and what it would be like to refrain. Often, it’s an attempt to avoid embarrassment or vulnerability, by acknowledging perceived shortcomings before others do. This can create a vicious circle of irritation and anxiety.

Even reflecting afterward can be beneficial. Try counting to 10 before responding, or use a stock phrase instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I see” can make others feel listened to without you taking responsibility.

This process will take patience, but admitting there’s an issue is a important first step toward change.